Table of Contents
Editor's Note
Dear Readers,
Welcome to the Valentine’s Day edition of The Bold Magazine! Today’s publication date, Feb. 14, 2021, marks a day of celebration of all things related to love. For some, the holiday represents a chance to recognize the things, the people and the moments that warm our hearts. For others, it represents a commercialized holiday that places pressure on romantic couples to buy lavish gifts for one another. Either way– whether you like Valentine’s Day or not– love is a part of our lives, which is why this magazine’s theme is centered around the concept of love and the different ways it appears in our lives.
In our largest magazine to date, we have seven different articles that touch on various aspects of love. The first is a vulnerable, compelling piece about the impact that divorce can have on a person’s understanding of love and relationships. It’s also the first collaborative magazine piece we have had, featuring narratives from staff writer Claire Cecere and sports editor-in-chief Vinny Lupo, and the first time we have had an artist, Cari Otto, develop artwork for a magazine story. The following articles discuss: the unconditional love that dogs offer and the ways we can celebrate our furry friends; the impact of grief on our understanding of love; a letter to self about the importance of self-love; the shocking experiences people have had on Tinder; a reflection on the unique ways relationships form; and a reflection on the concept of love and how it extends not just to people but also to our passions.
I want to thank all of the writers for their hard work, their honesty and their vulnerability in sharing their stories.
Love means something different to all of us, and that’s what this magazine aims to reflect. There is no standard interpretation of love. Sometimes, it shows up in the most unexpected ways. Whether it be the love you have for yourself, your friends, your family, your significant other, your job, your hobbies– I hope that today and every day you feel loved, whatever that may mean for you.
As always, if you ever have any questions, story ideas or would like to contribute to future magazine editions, please contact either myself (tayler.shaw@colorado.edu) or The Bold team (thebold@colorado.edu). Happy Valentine’s Day!
Love,
Tayler Shaw
Magazine Editor-in-Chief
Children of divorce: Will we be like our parents?
By: Claire Cecere and Vinny Lupo
Many children of divorced parents struggle and have insecurity surrounding love, romance and relationships not just at a young age, but throughout their entire lives. On this Valentine’s Day, two of our staff members share their experiences of divorce, and how it has impacted their perspective on romantic relationships over the years.
Claire’s experience:
I thought I had seen it all– or at least the worst of it all– when it came to relationships. And after witnessing the worst, what more was there to see? This was a recurring train of thought that seemed to creep its way into my mind whenever I looked at relationships as an outsider. I knew I wasn’t alone.
I watched as my parents divorced, got back together and divorced again. In fairness, their relationship would have created more harm if they had stayed together instead of separating but there was impact nonetheless. Backstories such as mine have become more common than not, as there are thousands of other young adults entering the world of serious relationships with the clouded judgment that only a 40 to 50% divorce rate in the United States could bring.
The disconnect I developed with romantic relationships grew as I watched what was supposed to be a shining example of collaboration break apart, leaving me and my siblings to sort through the pieces. I won’t lie, like most young kids going through a divorce process, I wanted my parents to get back together. It simply didn’t make sense if they were apart. What was worse was watching my father constantly ridicule my mother and pick fights to prove something no one could ever figure out.
If the “I do’s” in my life had turned into “I don’t anymore,” what hope was there for me?
As I grew into the realm of romantic relationships, I realized just how much of a disconnect I had developed. I truly believed that I just wasn’t someone cut out for love. The way other people talked about it induced either an eye roll or irritation. I couldn’t understand how people were being so naive and in the end who was love really helping? In my eyes, it was tempting an all too familiar fate.
The idea that the relationships we are raised around influence our relationships later in life was paralyzing because I wanted nothing more than to have my own story but feared that may not be up to me. This fear has manifested into a trend that we’ve all seen spread around, from the “10 Common Dating Struggles Children of Divorce Face” in the Huffington Post, to The Atlantic discussing if marital instability is inherited. It is well established that being a child of divorce could negatively affect their future relationships but is it really inevitable?
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Lynda Mathis, it is not.
“So many of the symptoms can be reversed,” Mathis says. “Our brains are wired to want secure attachment and even if we didn’t get that, we can earn that later in life.”
It was a few years ago I started seeing my options differently, gently aligning my perspective to a future I had control over. Part of this is in reference to the coping strategies we develop at a young age. When a child sees difficulties within their parents’ relationship, it is common for that child to develop individual coping strategies in which the children will rely on themselves rather than seeing others as an option for help. Sometimes, this can lead to children being resistant to cope with others and share their feelings, leading to a dysfunctional cycle.
“It is possible to turn that coping strategy into a more relational coping strategy instead of individual,” Mathis said.
Today, I am in a relationship that fills my heart with the respect and love I once thought unobtainable. I understand mistakes are not to be inherited, and my past has made me into a person who can reflect on and learn from past experience.
Split households expose us early on to the fact that love is not a fairy tale, but that doesn’t make it not worth it. I learned what love is not supposed to look like, that actions really do speak louder than words and communication is never to be underappreciated. Most importantly, I am not illusioned to think there will never be problems; however, I understand it is the growth afterwards that makes problems a worthy part of the journey.
To those who feel discouraged or feel like they are fighting the inevitable, you aren’t alone. It is okay to take your time and process without the fear that where you are now is where you will always be.
Vinny’s Experience:
I remember that early September day like it was yesterday.
I was in the 5th grade. It was Labor Day and my sister and I had the day off of school. My parents sat us down on the couch in the late morning and told us they were getting a divorce. I had known something was up. They had spent a lot of time over the past month whispering to each other, having private conversations; they talked more during that time than they did over their previous 10 years of marriage. And even though I figured something bad was happening, it still surprised me and I broke down in tears.
My life changed forever that day, but am I better or worse off because of it?
Since my freshman year of high school, I have spent a total of one night at my dad’s house. We don’t have much of a relationship outside of playing golf and talking about golf. It’s gotten better over the years, but it just didn’t click after the divorce. Things got really, really bad for a few years. I would call my mom crying, asking her to pick me up from his house because he would emotionally destroy me. I was 14 when I stopped going over there. During those high school years, I never really had anyone to talk to about girls, relationships or my feelings; for a teenage guy, it can be hard to talk to your mom about that.
I tried counseling. I tried therapy. Heck, my dad and I even tried seeing someone together. Nothing worked. We kind of went our own separate ways and didn’t speak for a few months after I stopped going over there. It’s probably the main reason I suffer from depression today.
I really don’t know how much it has affected me regarding my love life, but I will tell you I hate talking about relationships and I think it’s because I am jealous. I never was able to witness a loving marriage, and for myself, I have been in one actual “relationship,” which lasted an extraordinarily long time: less than a month. Although that’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s embarrassing to me, and it gets worse on Valentine’s Day seeing all the couples posting photos and going out to dinner. I have to remind myself that I am only 22 and I have plenty of time to meet the love of my life, but I always think to myself, “Do girls see my dad in me?”
This story really isn’t unique to me. Nearly half of marriages end in divorce in the United States. Think about that. It’s not even surprising to hear someone talk about divorce anymore– it’s a commonplace in our culture. Some divorced couples don’t have children, some have toddlers, some have kids in elementary school like I was, some even wait for their kids to graduate college before signing the paperwork. Depending on what stage in their lives the kids are, it will impact them in different ways, but it can change anyone.
Although the divorce still hurts me to this day, it was the best decision my parents ever made. They didn’t want my sister and myself growing up in a household where there was constant bickering; they didn’t want us sitting at the dinner table in complete silence because they had nothing to talk about with each other. And although at the time I resented them for it, my relationship with my dad has gotten a little better over the years, and my relationship with my mom– well, let’s just say she’s the best mother in the world and I adore that woman with all my heart.
The struggles and times of pain were often and hurt a lot, but overall, I am a better person because of the divorce. I know what a bad relationship looks like and I have seen what good relationships look like with other people. I try to treat everyone with respect; I try to make people laugh, I am there for people when they are upset, something that my dad didn’t do much of. I have made it my goal in life to be the furthest opposite from my dad as possible when it comes to my relationships. And I have promised myself that I am going to be the best damn husband and father this world has ever seen, because when the time comes, I will be prepared and I can’t wait to see the man I become.
So happy Valentine’s Day everyone– whether you are in a relationship or not, enjoy the day as much as possible. It’s okay to be upset; it’s okay to wake up and cry; it’s okay to just sit in bed and eat ice cream all day on February 14. But the truth is, everything happens for a reason. We will be okay. Everyone meets someone. High school and college sweethearts are attractive to Hollywood, but meeting the love of your life later on is just as sweet.
Valentine’s Day with your partner in crime: Spending the day with the ones that love us unconditionally
By: Britney Eschelman
It’s that time of the year, where the weather forecast projects cooler temperatures and love in the air. But for some, it’s less about the love with a significant other and more about the cool temperatures in Boulder. There can be a mixture of feelings surrounding Valentine’s Day and what it all entails. Does it all have to be about doting on your significant other? Or, can it just be about loving the ones that love us back? If you’re looking for a way to celebrate Feb. 14, those that have furry friends here in Boulder or back home can make this Valentine’s Day about celebrating the ones that love us unconditionally.
The bond between humans and dogs has been going on for centuries and is a connection that is undeniable and almost unexplainable. An article published in the Insider, by Zoë Miller, explains that the human-to-canine connection first emerged with wolves dating back to around 10,000 to 30,000 years ago. And even though humans domesticated dogs, the initial relationship has always been mutually beneficial. Founder of Arizona State’s Canine Science Collaboratory Dr. Clive Wynne says that dogs, “just need our company, they need to be with people.”
But Wynne discovered something else about the canine species’ loving capabilities. An article in the New York Times explains Wynne found through his research that the reason why dogs are an evolutionary success is because of, “their ability to bond with other species,” not just humans. For this reason, dogs might be the easiest—if not the easiest—animal to love and care for.
I’ve grown up with three Labrador retrievers throughout my life and have seen what a man’s best friend really means. My dad has successfully trained all three of our dogs—earning his rightful title as the ultimate dog whisperer—and loved them unconditionally by fetching them after long days of work and going on hunting trips during the winter season. My mom has integrated each pet into her daily routine by going on walks, feeding them, and even taking them for rides in the car when she needs to run a few errands. Each dog was different in their own unique ways, but they all had one thing in common: They were all an integral part of our family life. We loved and cared for each dog as if they were another human being, and that love was always reciprocated.
In Boulder, Colorado, a whopping number of around 15,000 dogs are part of households, according to a 2012 study by Denver and Boulder Real Estate. I believe it! Walking around Boulder, it’s almost guaranteed that I will run into at least one dog owner taking their pup on their daily stroll. And for all of my fellow dog-lovers who are looking for a way to celebrate their fur-friends, here’s a list of activities and potential gifts you could offer them.
- With an abundant amount of outdoor space, consider trying out a new dog park this Valentine’s Day. If you’re not sure where to start, you can check out the, “Top 6 Dog Parks in Boulder, CO,” to get an idea of where to go next.
- When it comes to buying gifts, there’s no one else we’d rather go shopping for than our partner in crime. A new chew toy or bone to chew on perhaps? Well, according to NBC News, one of the best gifts to honor your pet this Valentine’s Day is the Jinx Furever Valentine’s Gift Set, which will include everything from a customized pet portrait to fun treats.
- What if you’re a dog owner in Boulder that wants to take your pal on a walk, get them a gift and do a fun event just for the two of you? There are a number of events on Mile High Dog Magazine’s website ranging from a beginner flyball class to dog swimming lessons. Trying something new for your and your pup could be the perfect way to show your love for them.
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be all about the ooey-gooey romantic talk that can make single people feel sad about not being in a relationship. There are many other relationships in our lives that are just as important to celebrate this Valentine’s Day. Appreciating our loved ones could mean appreciating our friends, our family and especially our furry companions.
Debbie
By: Madeleine Kriech
Click here to listen to an audio version of the story, narrated by Madeleine:
Love. It’s a feeling of unconditional admiration, an ongoing state that makes you think of someone when you see something they like or when you eat their favorite food. But to have loved—in that past tense—that’s a physical pain we all wish would end quickly.
A couple weeks ago, I made my mom listen to the new Taylor Swift album, evermore. She’s not a “Swiftie,” but tolerates my adoration for Swift’s music. Before listening to the album, I read there was a song, “marjorie,” about Swift’s late grandmother. When the song came up, I felt the tears welling in my eyes. I had to look out the window so that my mom wouldn’t see me crying. But I knew she was crying too.
Turns out Marjorie sounds a lot like my grandma, Debbie.
And if I didn’t know better
I’d think you were talking to me now
If I didn’t know better
I’d think you were still around
Debbie was my first experience of losing a loved one. After years of battling and months of waiting, she finally said goodbye.
What died didn’t stay dead
What died didn’t stay dead
You’re alive, you’re alive in my head
You see, Debbie was more than my grandma. She was a friend, a political ally, a crafting buddy, a kindred spirit. I had the honor of living in extremely close proximity to Debbie, what all 12 of her grandkids called her (or grand poobah when you wanted something), from the day I was born to the day she died. For more than the last 10 years of her life, she lived in my basement. Every night when I went to bed, I could hear her TV below me, playing one of her 85,000 recorded shows. Really, I swear that woman pointed her speakers up to my room on purpose.
Debbie and I would talk politics (she was a devout Rachel Maddow viewer), boys (she knew more than most about my love life), crafting (you know, water colors and painting and knitting and all that jazz), history (including bizarre History Channel theories) and cookie-making (our Christmas tradition). Almost 21 years of a relationship that makes me feel sad for other granddaughters that do not get to experience something like it.
I should’ve asked you questions
I should’ve asked you how to be
Asked you to write it down for me
Grieving Debbie has been a longer process than I ever thought it’d be. Seven months later and I still think about her everyday: how she was stubborn, how she knew the answer to (almost) everything, how she’d do anything for her family.
I would have thought that being single for my entire life meant I don’t know what it means to love someone—like to really love someone. When Debbie was still here, I don’t think I knew what it meant either. But when she died, I finally felt the force of her impact on my life. Still, I find myself thinking: Remember what Debbie says. Now I know that’s love.
Love is having someone pop into your head while walking past a store you both like to go to. Love is reading old texts because they make you smile. Love is doing stupid Snapchat filters with each other because your foreheads grow to eight-heads. Love is regretting every missed opportunity with someone. Love is knowing the impact someone had on your life and feeling a physical hole when they are gone.
Watched as you signed your name Marjorie
All your closets of backlogged dreams
And how you left them all to me
Yes, Debbie taught me a lot while she was alive. What’s more surprising is how much she taught me in death. She taught me to spend as many minutes with someone as you can, even if that’s just going to the grocery store on your day off. She taught me to open your heart and your home to those around you. She taught me what love really is—a connection to someone, deep in your chest that bonds you to them forever.
I know better
But I still feel you all around
I know better
But you’re still around
Letter to self
By: Abby Schirmacher
Click here to listen to an audio version of the story, narrated by Abby:
Dear Me,
This past year served as a turning point. Life changed in an instant when we least expected it. COVID-19 taught us a variety of different lessons, some of which will likely stay with us for the rest of our lives. Reflecting on this time feels heavy due to the many ups and downs we’ve faced as individuals and as a society. However, the reflection on how far we’ve come as people through this experience is valuable. While we may dream of living in a world where COVID-19 never existed, this is our reality. Here’s our opportunity to move forward and learn from it.
For me, this year has been a doozy, to say the least. From canceled trips to spending a majority of the fall semester at home, my mental health swung back and forth like a pendulum. I contracted the virus. I experienced my first heartbreak. I dyed my hair a completely different color. I exercised more than I ever had. Then I stopped completely. I lost some friends. Then I made new ones. I changed. Haven’t we all?
Mostly, I reminisced. On life before the virus. On the times I rushed to the finish line when I should’ve lived in the moment. On every single thing I took for granted. I wondered what life would be like if the people I have lost were here. I yearned for the past.
I also learned to love myself. Loving myself appears in many ways, shapes and forms. It’s getting up early in the morning to be productive and allotting time in the evenings to truly enjoy myself. It’s journaling to cement my thoughts and feelings and one day look back on this time in my life. It’s surrounding myself with people who enjoy my company and vice versa. It’s calling my family every single day to ground me when we’re apart. It’s learning new things about myself. It’s treating me as well as I treat those around me. It’s taking a break every once in a while because life moves so fast. It’s looking in the mirror and smiling back at what I see.
I think this year has taught us how important it is to love ourselves. In order to love those around us, we must take the time to treat ourselves like we deserve to be treated. There’s comfort in knowing no matter what, I’ll always have me. Though at times this feels lonely, it’s important.
We all have those moments, tangible things, ideas or experiences that bring pure happiness to our lives. For me, I thought that my happiness came from achievements. Throughout this past year, I’ve learned that I validate myself based on good grades, academic achievements, success in my career, etc. I thought that being accomplished gave me solitude and purpose. Before this year, I worked so hard to constantly feel “accomplished” that I forgot to enjoy life for what it really is.
Truly living is much more than having straight A’s or feeling successful. I started working on myself in my everyday life, where I took a step away from the next assignment or from aimlessly scrolling through LinkedIn. While working 30 hours per week on top of taking classes and internships and extracurriculars, I realized that the same feeling of pure joy also showed up in other ways. It was doing something nice for a stranger or friends. It was spending time with people near to my heart and being present. It was reading a book— or seven— for fun and finishing in one sitting. It was jumping out of my comfort zone— staying up later on a school night or watching TV even if not every box was checked off on my daily list of tasks. It was retail therapy, which I don’t necessarily recommend but what’s better than a new outfit?
One thing is certain— the only constant you’ll ever have in this life is yourself. We’re bred to tear ourselves apart to be better than the next person. To look prettier, act nicer, accomplish more. We’re always striving to be someone we’re not. Until we were stripped of social interactions and forced to spend time by ourselves, many of us didn’t realize how important it is to love what’s inside ourselves.
The virus cemented the importance of self-love, especially in the midst of quarantine. Spending more time isolated with our own thoughts can seem terrifying and debilitating. Bottom line: it often sucks. But, it’s also a blessing in disguise to embrace the chance to reflect on our lives in ways that are absent from the previous hustle and bustle of our daily lives. Before this year, I rarely stopped to think about myself. My actions, my impact, my goals, my legacy. Self-care is important. Love yourself like you love the most important person, place or thing in your life. I know I’m trying, and hopefully, one day that most important person will be me.
I still have a ways to go. I’m far from perfect, but this year I feel a little closer to it. And that’s all that matters.
On my toughest days, I list the aspects of life that I love the most:
♥ Podcasts
♥ The newest true-crime documentary on Netflix
♥ My dog and cat
♥ Waking up to the sun peeking through my blinds
♥ A dimly lit room
♥ Candles
♥ Chocolate
♥ Actually, anything sweet
♥ Bagels
♥ Coffee
♥ Accomplishing all my tasks for the day
♥ Listening to music that someone plays for me
♥ Being so busy that the day flies by
♥ Sunsets
♥ The first spring day when it’s warm enough to wear a t-shirt
♥ Sitting by a pool in the summer
♥ Sleeping in on the rare occasion
♥ The feeling after finishing a delicious meal
♥ Laughter
♥ Long drives
♥ When a package arrives
♥ Hugs
Though making a list is an easy and mundane task, it makes a difference in my daily mindset. I encourage you to remember to love yourself during these difficult times. Make your lists, meditate, shop, do whatever brings you joy in this life. Someday, we’ll look back on this year and be proud of who we became. Even if the virus doesn’t last forever, the mindset it forces us to develop will. So it might as well be worthwhile.
Tinder’s not all bad— though it can be
By: Alisa Meraz-Fishbein
I’ve never had a bad Tinder date. Crazy, huh? It’s not like I’ve been on a lot (four to be exact, before deleting the app), but still, you would think I would have an exciting story to tell. Alas, that is not the case.
Now, don’t get me wrong, my dates were all fun. I went hiking, rock climbing and walked around Pearl Street with people I had never met before and actually enjoyed my date’s company. However, I have always wondered what a “bad” date would be like. After all, aren’t dating apps supposed to be eventful, with catfish lurking behind every corner and guys who you think will have short hair turning out to be rocking a shoulder-length mane when you actually meet? I wanted to hear more about these stories and decided to go straight to the source.
Yep, I re-downloaded Tinder.
Once the app was on my home page again, I went on a swiping frenzy to do some research. I swiped right on anyone who was a verified user or seemed to have a legitimate account. In Tinder lingo, a “swipe right” means you are interested and a “swipe left” means you are not. Anyway, I quickly matched with around 50 men. I got excited because one or two of them would likely have some good stories for me! I sent all 50 matches the same message:
“Hi! I’m writing a story for my school magazine about people’s worst Tinder experiences. Do you have any experiences you’d be willing to share?”
However, I guess men on Tinder don’t love it when you message them for a journalism story. Of the messages I sent, only 12 people got back to me. Of those 12, most didn’t take me seriously, thinking my message was a pickup line.
One, for example, responded to my request with this message:
A clever response, but not what I was looking for. Yet another had a similar reply:
A few guys understood my request was a part of research, rather than a moment’s fling, and took it seriously. However, most hadn’t even gone on any Tinder dates.
For example, Alex, 20, (left message) and Mark, 22, (right message) wrote:
In the end, only three young men gave me a story, including Greg, 22:
Now this is juicy… and more on par with the stigma around Tinder! Awkward? Check. Surprising? Of course!
Jonny, 22, says:
I sure hope she didn’t give him COVID-19!
The last story is about a mishap in communication and social cues, and Evan, 20, has a lot to say about that:
In the case that you or someone you know experience(s) sexual harassment or assault, you can contact CUPD, the Office of Institutional Equity and Compliance (OIEC) and/or the Office of Victim Assistance (OVA) at CU Boulder.
Although the stories the men shared with me were interesting narratives, I felt there was more to the story. I posted an Instagram story asking anyone who had a memorable Tinder experience to reach out to me. Madeline Eason (left) and Lillie Estes (right) added to the plethora of cringe-worthy dates that were shared with me:
If you know or hear of someone being hazed, you can report it to Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution (SCCR) and can find support resources through the Office of Victim Assistance (OVA).
Here are two more stories from Valeria Rojas (left) and Jessica Pariani (right):
Not your modern love story, I know.
I have one more story, and this one’s a doozy. Sergio Morales responded to my Instagram story with details of a date that went terribly wrong but somehow had a positive outcome. I also interviewed him through Zoom because there were so many questions I had. Here’s a summary of this epic(ly bad?) date:
Morales matched with a woman on Tinder a few months ago, and after talking for a while, they decided to meet up in person. The woman switched the meeting location at the last minute, which Morales said was “a little fishy,” though he met up with her anyway.
However, there was no woman when Morales arrived. Instead, a man was standing there. Morales assumed he’d been catfished– but there was more to the story. The man came up to him, asking, “Hey, are you Sergio?” It turned out that this man was the boyfriend of the woman in the Tinder profile. He had made the profile for her without her knowledge or consent.
The man explained to Morales that he wanted an open relationship with his girlfriend. He had hooked up with another person, which made his girlfriend angry because she didn’t agree to an open relationship. The man decided to create a Tinder account for his girlfriend to set her up with another guy, allowing her to see the merit of an open relationship.
It then got even weirder. The man called up his girlfriend to come over.
“She was super confused when she arrived. It was a very awkward situation,” says Morales.
The couple began fighting and the man became violent, grabbing his girlfriend aggressively. This was when Morales decided to call the police. “I could tell there was a problem with this relationship and probably some abuse going on,” he says.
The police arrived and took the man away. Morales says that the woman told him she was glad that this ended up happening, and he was happy he could help her.
Morales remains in contact with the woman today–and this time it really is her. He says the experience made them bond and they are now friends, catching up every once in a while.
After hearing Morales’ story, my appetite for Tinder stories was finally satisfied. I no longer wish for my own “date-gone-wrong” experience because hearing these stories was enough of an adventure.
For everyone out there with a Tinder or contemplating the app download, just know it’s not all bad. However, it can be, so set boundaries and have clear expectations of your endgame. Happy swiping, friends!
Relationship roots
By: Pablo M. Rodriguez
As we celebrate our relationships this Valentine’s Day, both romantic and non-romantic, it’s important to remember where our relationships came from and how their unique roots have given shape to who we are and how our relationships function. Whether you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day with your romantic partner, close friends or even family members, take a moment to think about and appreciate the beginnings of our pairings. Reflecting on how our relationships form can really pack a punch and shine light on who we are within ourselves.
Prior to starting this piece, I looked into my own relationships and thought on the differing origins they all have. There really isn’t an example of an identical way I met a girl, as each relationship started in its own way. I also don’t have any matching stories on how I got close to any of my friends. I can’t even say that the development of my relationships with each of my nuclear family members are remotely similar to one another. Given the unique anchor I have with each person, it’s interesting to think on how the role each person plays in my life can in part be attributed to where we came from.
I met my current girlfriend by chance. She knew my roommate from a previous place they lived in, and she also happened to be moving into a new place just down the road from where I live now. As relationships go, meeting through a mutual friend isn’t all that uncommon. We really started to get to know each other because, at the time, she didn’t have a place to stay. We were first introduced while I was setting up my first apartment. As I was putting things together, a swarm of people entered my living room. My roommate pulled me aside and wanted to ask me something in private. “Hey mate, is it cool if these people crash here tonight… they kinda let me crash on their couches until today so I feel like I owe them,” he asked me. I gave him a soft no. This group of people gave me an uneasy feeling, and I was just trying to get my bed frame set up so that I had a place to sleep myself for the night.
Despite my answer, a handful of people stayed, her not being one of them. She came back the next day, though, to hang out with us while she was off of work. She then came back the day after that. And then again– until she just never really went home. Six months later, we are practically inseparable. My relationship with her was unexpected, and felt like it came out of nowhere.
The unexpected nature of my own relationship resonates with many others. In the blink of an eye, someone or something can alter your life in both big and small ways. My first interview subject, Eric May, had a whole lifetime’s experience of pursuing the unexpected and forming his relationships in nontraditional ways.
May is the father of one of my good friends and he has had quite the extraordinary life. Coming out of college, he had an itch to see the world. Born in Germany and having lived most of his young life in the U.S., he eventually grew tired of the U.S. and began traveling the world. Fifty countries later, he is back in Utah now.
I asked about his close relationships and his ability to hold them while living a very non-sedentary life.
“I’m very unconventional,” he replied. “I don’t feel like I fit any kind of mold.”
He talked a lot about the nature of people all across the world, and how often people act as nesters in their relationships. “Americans nest more frequently than the rest of the world,” he said.
He doesn’t quite fit that traditional definition of the suburban American dad, saying, “I question myself and how I raised my boys.”
Keeping his three kids always on-the-move and without a stable home gave them quite the opportunity to see the world, but when asking his kids where home is, he gets a mix of answers. I find the roots in his relationships with his kids fascinating. Coming from a very sedentary background myself, having never moved until I came to Boulder, the differences between my relationship with my father and May’s relationships with his kids was stunning. I can go back and see my folks anytime. My dad frequently texts and calls and asks when I’m coming home; but when you live in another state, or in their case at times in another country, it’s not quite the same.
May’s on-the-go lifestyle, however, also fostered new relationships, as his travels gave root to his relationship with his wife, a London girl whom he met by chance while traveling across Africa. “It just clicked,” he said about the unexpected beginning to their relationship that has lasted 27 years. “She is a real gypsy, and I think that’s why it worked.”
I also spent some time with Kyle Seiler, a good friend of mine, and talked about his thoughts on some of the underlying mental roots to our relationships that we often don’t think about.
“Family roots play a huge role in the boundaries we make and the settings we put ourselves in,” he tells me as he draws on his past experience.
He references the mold a lot of our friends and romantic partners fit, and how we fill that mold with things we experience growing up. Seiler mentioned the common mirroring of our parents in our romantic relationships. “You go with what you know.”
After looking at a variety of relationships and what people think and feel about them, I gained a little bit of extra insight and knowledge that I can apply to my own current experiences. Not only is learning about people’s thoughts and experiences extremely interesting, but it’s grounding to have that reassurance that even though we share common themes around our relationships, we all have something unique that we share with just that one other person. In a sense, that uniqueness in our interactions with other people is what really makes us human, and that is most definitely a cause to celebrate.
On the construct of love
By: Hannah Prince
Often we think of Valentine’s Day as a day associated with romantic love. For the pessimists, it is an over-commercialized holiday associated with spending excessive amounts of money to show one’s affection, or a performance of how to be “in love.” For the optimists and hopeless romantics, whose love language may be gift giving, it is one of the most romantic days of the year to express their commitment and devotion.
And we have the ancient Romans to thank for our modern holiday. The story on the origin of Valentine’s Day goes like this:
The Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia from Feb. 13-15. Just imagine the grandest of feasts – the food, the wine, the parties but don’t forget the whipping of women and sacrifices of animals and humans. The reason women lined up to be whipped was because it was rooted in the belief that it would make them fertile. Secondly, and morbidly, the human sacrifice, or rather execution, included three people named Valentine or Valentinus over multiple years, in the third century A.D. in Rome.
You may be asking: how romantic, right?
According to History.com, there were multiple people named Valentine who were killed years apart during this time period. One legend claims a priest named Valentine defied Emperor Claudius II by secretly marrying young lovers after the emperor outlawed marriage for the young due to the belief that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families. Therefore, his disobedience of the emperor resulted in death. And two centuries later, Pope Gelasius muddled the Lupercalia festival with St. Valentine’s Day to expel the pagan rituals. Simply, the Christians admired St. Valentine’s loyalty to the church’s doctrine and announced his feast day in symbolism of the martyr’s sympathy, heroism and selflessness.
The understanding of how Valentine’s Day originated and the ways in which the holiday has since evolved in its celebration parallel the evolving understanding many of us have of love itself. From listening to the New York Time’s love-column-turned-popular-podcast, Modern Love, to being bombarded with Nicholas Sparks’ novels and absurd romantic gestures, how is one supposed to grasp the concept of love? Is it selflessness? Is it familiarity? Is it support? Is it passion?
Today, young singles or couples are often too overwhelmed by societal expectations of the holiday, overlooking the many ways to define love. Love extends beyond passion and intimate relationships; it can be simple gestures or pursuing your passions. It is what makes us human.
Though I could go into a rant about the three types of love, love extends beyond textbook definitions of eros, philia and agape. It cannot be defined by Merriam-Webster or a scholar or by religion because love shows up differently for every person. Love is x to some; love is y to others. It may be dependent or independent in its own nature.
If you search “Love is…” in Google, you will find love is patient, love is kind… love is all these things because every person describes love differently.
As a young girl, growing up with brothers, I created a shell around myself – to be tough, to be strong, to never show vulnerability. I knew my family never asked me to take on such a role, but nonetheless, I did. I was the eldest, the leader. I turned away affection, love, compassion to uphold a standard that I was never asked to fill. I limited my emotions. Though, when I began reading and writing poetry, I experienced an emotional and intellectual shift. I found love between pages – human truths, consciousness, questioning, doubt, truth again. The written word allowed me to escape from my reality and enter another world to dream.
Soon my dreams turned into passions, and passions into aspirations. My writing became a love language rooted in consciousness, self-expression and a new vulnerability that I could never share through the spoken word.
To know the beautiful poets of love is a blessing for me. To know “She Walks in Beauty” by Lord Byron to “How Do I Love Thee?” by Elizabeth Barrett Browning to “Sonnet 18” by William Shakespeare, is to read of love. And I have my Nana to thank for exposure to the greatest works of all time. She is the reason I read, write and educate myself.
My dreams, passions and aspirations wouldn’t be possible without my support system, my family. I strongly believe each relationship in your life, each person you encounter, is built upon an unspoken understanding of support and loyalty. Whether you are estranged from your family, or your friends have become your family, allow yourself to find gratitude in what you do have and what you love.
I am grateful to create and know why I create, to be surrounded by like-minded peers inspiring me to grow, to be supported and reassured by my family and friends. After being persuaded by my childhood best friend to take the five love languages quiz, which I gave into, I found my love language was words of affirmation. It makes sense.
This year, don’t give into the expectations or self-doubts that surround the holiday. It can be witnessing the beauty in nature; it can be a gesture. Rather than the indulgence of pizza, chocolates, wine and high expectations from watching the same Nicolas Sparks’ film again (well I don’t think I can give that up), I have decided to write short letters to those who have shaped me into the woman I am today.
While some of this seems cliché, there is truth to it. I will likely look back on this article and cringe, but it is comforting to know that Valentine’s Day can be more than gifts and a date.
It can be simple; it can be a reflection of the person, place or passion that makes you wake up every morning.
Magazine Contributors
Tayler Shaw is a senior majoring in journalism and Spanish for the professions and minoring in anthropology and leadership studies. She is from Littleton, Colorado. Her interests include explanatory and solutions journalism on topics ranging from education, culture and community-based issues.
Abby Schirmacher is a junior majoring in journalism and minoring in business and sociology. She is from Erie, Colorado. Abby enjoys spending time with her family and friends, binge watching her favorite Netflix shows and studying at local coffee shops. She also loves to read, write and hike in her free time.
Pablo M. Rodriguez is a sophomore majoring in strategic communications and minoring in Spanish and creative technology & design. He is from Lakewood, Colorado, and enjoys reading classic literature, all things health and wellness and keeping up with the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Madeleine is a senior from Parker, Colorado, studying political science and evolutionary biology. Besides writing, she likes crafting, watching movies, listening to music and trying new foods. Her dream is to live in a big city and work as a journalist.
Alisa is a junior majoring in journalism and minoring in creative writing. She is from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Alisa is a member of the CU track and cross-country team and loves exploring Boulder trails with her teammates. In her free time, she enjoys spending time with family and friends, making art and, of course, binge-watching Netflix.
Claire is a junior majoring in communications and journalism. She is from Grand Junction, Colorado. Claire enjoys going on hiking, reading and finding new recipes to cook. She also is happy being with friends, family and playing with her family’s dogs back home.
Vinny is a senior studying journalism. He was born and raised right outside of Denver but is a huge Wisconsin sports fan. In his free time, Vinny loves to play golf and watch whatever show he’s currently into. Right now, it’s New Girl and House of Cards.
Cari is going into the last two semesters of her undergraduate degree in Molecular Cellular and Developmental Biology. Cari is interested in culinary arts, holistic medicine and botanical art, drawing inspiration from her family and her hometown of Greeley, CO.
Britney Eschelman is a junior at the University of Colorado Boulder majoring in strategic communications and minoring in journalism. She is from Sacramento, California and enjoys being outdoors, cooking and spending time with her family and friends.
Hannah is a junior at the University of Colorado Boulder majoring in journalism, and immediately set her sights on exploring different work within the field from nonprofit writing to undergraduate research on a documentary film. She is originally from Orange County, California, and is currently interning at 9News in Denver. When she’s not working, you can find her exploring the outdoors, reading or planning her next place to travel.